Gundam 1/2
by Nin
Summary: (Straight pairings) GASP! Did Nin just write another chapter after MONTHS of uncertainty??? Hey, Mizyuki....(smile)
1. Prologue

~~~~~~~~~~~  
(A/N: Just pretend that there's a background with a bunch of compasses. I don't know how to post HTML on FF.N. Humor me.)  
Nin: Oh, hello! I wasn't expecting company today. Then again, I never am, am I? Come in, come in.  
Dee: NIN!!! What the hell are you up to NOW?  
Nin: Um...read the title, oh Muse of mine.  
Dee: I AM NOT YOUR MUSE!!! I AM YOUR SISTER!!!  
Nin: Yes, Muse.  
Dee: sigh Anyway, what the hell is Gundam 1/2?  
Nin: It's a fusion. The Gundam characters are going to act out the Ranma 1/2 manga.  
Dee: WHAT?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!  
Nin: Why, yes I am.  
Dee: facefault And what's up with this stupid background? It has nothing to do with either series...unless you count Ryoga.  
Nin: Oh, no. This background was not meant to poke fun at the poor, directionally challenged young man.  
Dee: Then what is it for?  
Nin: I'm trying to find my way back to the land of sanity. I thought that staring at compasses for hours on end would help me out.  
Dee: Nin, with your luck, you'll probably just end up getting lost in the land of INSANITY.  
Nin: Oh, didn't I tell you? I already AM lost in the land of insanity. Why did you think I wrote this in the first place?  
Dee: I gathered that. Hey, wait, what am I doing here?  
Nin: Oh, my... Should I spell it out?  
Dee: I AM NOT INSANE!!!  
Nin: Oh, dear, the poor girl is in denial...  
Dee: I AM NOT IN DENIAL!!!  
Nin: She's denying that she's in denial. This is pretty serious. This is a job for...the Men in White!  
(Several Men in White appear, and drag Dee off in a straight jacket)  
Dee: (offscreen) I AM NOT INSANE!!! IT'S HER, I TELL YOU!!! HER!!!  
Nin: Oh, dear. Now who will bring me back to the land of sanity? Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to enjoy myself while I'm here...MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
(The scene fades out as Nin continues to cackle madly)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
Gundam 1/2  
  
  
by  
  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
  
Prologue  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ I don't own Gundam Wing or Ranma 1/2, I'm just temporarily insane!!!  
  
  
WARNING! Everyone who's in this fic will be OOC and bashed at some point.  
  
  
Duo happily polished his new car. (After Deathsythe self-detonated, his interests had turned to the more traditional masculine hobbies) It was a great day on Earth. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, and the slight breeze reminded him of a small child, tugging his clothes, shouting, "Come and play with me!"  
  
  
And then the enexpected happened. Something so horrible, so terrible, so totally FREAKY, that Duo froze in complete terror!!!  
  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~~~~OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
Duo looked around, frantically, searching for an escape route. His instncts screamed at him, telling him to flee, run away, before he was delivered a fate worse than death itself!!!  
  
  
However, there was no place to run, no place to hide.  
  
  
Nin had another fanfic idea.  
  
  
Duo tried to get away, but Nin grabbed his braid first. Duo cried out in pain.  
  
  
"Hey, Duo!" Nin chirped. "I got another idea, and guess what?"  
  
  
"...What?" Duo said, his curiousity getting the better of him. He tried to not let the foreboding get to him. Nin could have actually thought up a GOOD fic.  
  
  
As if!  
  
  
"You're the protagonist!" Nin shrieked.  
  
  
"Protagonist...?" Duo asked. "Isn't that the character that the conflict revolves around?"  
  
  
Nin chuckled a little hesitantely. "It's a...love story. What really happens in a love story? Guy falls for Girl, Girl falls for Guy, Guy and Girl defeat the obstacles to their love, and live happily ever after!" (A/N: Heh....n_n)  
  
  
Duo's eyes narrowed. "You're gonna make me take part in a CHICK FLIC?!"  
  
  
Nin cowered in fear. "It's not a chick flic, I SWEAR!"  
  
  
"Then what is it?"  
  
  
"A fusion with Ranma 1/2."  
  
  
"What the hell is Ranma 1/2?"  
  
  
"...A love story?"  
  
  
Duo glowered.  
  
  
"Okay, look," Nin surrendered, "I'm not gonna throw you into another universe. It's just gonna be a play. You guys all need to lighten up a bit. Here's a picture of the guy that you get to act out." She held up a picture of a guy with a braid like Duo's, except it was black, really short and tight, and his eyes were a gray/blue.  
  
  
Duo snorted. "This guy doesn't look like me at all! Why don't you get Wufei to do it?"  
  
  
Nin started bawling. "I tried Wufei already!!! Look what he did to my arm!!!" She held up her arm, showing off a tiny scratch.  
  
  
Duo sweat-dropped. "Give me one good reason to agree with this."  
  
  
"You get nude scenes with Hilde."  
  
  
"You've got yourself an actor!!!" Duo shouted, a little too early.  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
"Tell me again why we're all here, Hilde?" Relena asked.  
  
  
"Uh...Nin told me that we all needed to havesome fun once in a while, so we're acting out a manga series in play form," Hilde answered. 'And she promised nude series with Duo if I managed to convince everyone to come," she added, mentally.  
  
  
"What manga series is it?" Quatre asked, feeling apprehensive.  
  
  
Hilde probed her memory for the answer. It was on the tip of her tongue... "It had a really weird title....it had a fraction in it, I think."  
  
  
"Ranma 1/2?" Trowa supplied, holding back a grin. He had read the manga befoe, and knew what it was about.  
  
  
"Yeah, that's it!" Hilde exclaimed. "We're gonna have a lot of fun, aren't we, guys?"  
  
  
Trowa and Heero smirked at each other. Heero had read the manga, too.  
  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this..." Catherine said, staring at Trowa's grin suspiciously.  
  
  
"I'll be happy as long as there are battles," Dorothy announced.  
  
  
"Oh, you'll be happy, Dorothy," Heero cracked. He and Trowa started to chuckle underneath their breatth.  
  
  
Everyone stared at the two, as if they had suddenly transformed into alien beings...which they kinda did. OOC aliens must have taken over their bodies, I suppose....  
  
  
Wufei snorted. "I don't know why this stupid woman brought me here, but it's not worth my time."  
  
  
Sally giggled. "Oh, you know why you came, Wufei..." She winked at him.  
  
  
Wufei blushed, and everyone else stared at him, sweatdropping.  
  
  
"Oh, well," Noin said, poking Zechs in the ribs, "at least we have a vacation from the Terra-forming project, eh, Zechs?"  
  
  
Zechs snorted. "If you could call it a vacation," he said, glaring at Heero, who was standing too close to Relena. In his opinion, anyway.  
  
  
Noin sighed. "Lighten up, Zechs. You're stressing yourself out."  
  
  
Heero noticed Zechs's glare, and smirked. He leaned over and whispered something into Relena's ear. She looked at her brother's expression, and giggled.  
  
  
Zechs's blood began to boil.  
  
  
Noin chuckled, then started to massage Zechs's shoulders, trying to calm him down.  
  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open, and Nin entered, followed by Duo. "We~~~~'re~~~~ he~~~~re~~~~!!!!" Nin shrieked. Everyone covered their ears. A window shattered.  
  
  
"Nin's on another of her infamous sugar highs," Catherine said, removing her hands from her ears. Everyone nodded, except Nin, who frowned.  
  
  
"It's not my fault that all the sugar I eat explodes through my system at 10:00 pm!!!" Nin shouted, explaining her rather...bizarre...condition.  
  
  
Everyone stared at Nin as if she was crazy. (Which she was...lol)  
  
  
"It's true!!!" Nin claimed.  
  
  
"Yeah, right," everyone else muttered.  
  
  
Nin did a terrible impression of Heero's Death Glare (tm). When she saw that it didn't affect anyone, she sighed, and continued. "Well, now that we're all here--"  
  
  
"Where are we, anyway?" Lady Une asked, looking at all the strange looking scenery and props.  
  
  
"A theatre," Nin answered, annoyed at being interrupted. "Anywa, now that we're all here, I can assign parts!!!"  
  
  
"Yea. Woo hoo," the Gundam people said, bored.  
  
  
Nin glared at everyone. "Okay, since there are a LOT of characters in Ranma 1/2, some of you will have to act out multiple parts. I'll also be bringing some people back to life."  
  
  
"You can do that?" asked Duo.  
  
  
"Yeah!" Nin said, proud. "I can also kill people off! Wanna see?"  
  
  
Duo rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. You'd probably mess up, and kill YOURSELF!" He laughed.  
  
  
Duo dies.  
  
  
Everyone gasps.  
  
  
Duo comes back to life.  
  
  
Everyone gasps.  
  
  
"Cool!" Duo said. "I had a tea party with Shinigami!!!"  
  
  
"Any questions?"  
  
  
~Silence...~  
  
  
"Alrighty then!" Nin brings Trieze and the mad scientists back to life.  
  
  
"TRIEZE-SAMA!!!!!" Lady Une cried, glomping Trieze. Trieze passes out from lack of air. And so, Trieze's first memory of his new life was falling asleep.  
  
  
"Damn," Professor G said. "I almost talked that cute demon into giving me a foot massage."  
  
  
"There!" Nin cried out, in joy. "All done! Here's everyone's roles! The people playing multiple minor characters are labelled as 'extra'!" she said, pinning a sheet of paper on the wall.  
  
  
~~~  
Who plays who:  
  
  
Duo: Ranma, 'Ranko'  
Hilde: Akane  
Heero: Ryoga  
Relena: Kodachi, Akari  
Trowa: Mousse  
Quatre: Extra  
Catherine: Ukyo  
Dorothy: Shampoo  
Noin: Nabiki, Mariko  
Lady Une: Kasumi  
Treize: Dr. Tofu  
Master O: Genma  
Dr. J: Cologne  
Professor G: Happosai  
Instructor H: Soun  
Doktor S: The little old lady across the street, Extra  
Zechs: Tatewaki  
Wufei: Pantyhose  
Sally: Extra  
  
  
Have a nice day! n_n  
~~~  
  
  
Heero's eyes widened. (Damn those OOC aliens!!!) "Relena plays KODACHI?!" he shouted, in a very OOC fashion.  
  
  
"You're INSANE, Nin!" Trowa accused.  
  
  
"I know...." Nin said, smirking, "and so is Kodachi!"  
  
  
"I thought you supported me!" Relena cried, assuming (correctly) that she had to act out an insane person.  
  
  
"I do!" Nin said, confused. "That's why you play Akari!"  
  
  
"But, why Kodachi? Wouldn't Dorothy be better?" Heero growled.  
  
  
"I toyed with that idea," Nin answered, "but Shampoo would suit Dorothy so much better, and she can't be both, because they sometimes appear in the same scene. I mean, really! Can you see RELENA playing Shampoo?"  
  
  
Heero doesn't know if he should growl or drool at the though of Relena playing Shampoo.  
  
  
"Don't worry," Nin whispered, so only Heero would hear. "You still get to see her in that skin-tight leotard!" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)  
  
  
Heero drooled, then growled when he realized hat everyone else would see her in the leotard, too.  
  
  
"Why do I play an old woman?" Doktor S asked, fuming.  
  
  
"You're not alone," Nin answered, gigging, staring at Dr. J.  
  
  
'Why is she looking at me?' Dr. J thought, chills running down his spine.  
  
  
"INJUSTICE!!!" Wufei screamed.  
  
  
"What is it, Wufei?" Nin asked, still pissed off at him for cutting her arm.  
  
  
"Oh, Wufei's just angry that he acts out a guy named after a woman's undergarment," Sally explained.  
  
  
"Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!" Nin laughed, manically, then tried to look innocent.  
  
  
'Yeah, right,' everyone else thought.  
  
  
"Hey, who's 'Ranko'?" Duo asked. "You told me that I play Rama, not this 'Ranko' person!"  
  
  
Nin hid a bucket behind her back, and walked toward him. "Oh, Ranma and 'Ranko' are the same person..." She smiles evilly.  
  
  
"Oh. A split personality, you mean?" Duo asked, oblivious to his impending doom.  
  
  
Heero and Trowa noticed, but they just smirked. Then they realized that they would have the same fate, and made themselves scarce. (They hid behind Relena and Catherine. n_n)  
  
  
"A split personality? Um...yes, that's it," Nin lied.  
  
  
"Cool!" Duo shouted, happy that he got an interesting part.  
  
  
Nin splashed Duo with the water in the bucket.  
  
  
"Cold!" Duo shouted, in a voice a few octaves higher than normal.  
  
  
Everyone stared at Duo. He was shorter than usual, his hair was bright read, his eyes were bright blue, and his face was more delicate looking.  
  
  
He was also female.  
  
  
"Gyaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" Duo screamed, in a high, girly voice, looking down his shirt.  
  
  
While everyone was occupied with Duo's transformation, Nin splashed Master O with another bucket. He became a panda.  
  
  
"Growf," said Master O.  
  
  
"What the hell is this?!" Duo screamed, paralized with shock.  
  
  
"Insurance," Nin answered. "I'll give you the cure after the play is finished, but only AFTER the play is finished!"  
  
  
"You PSYCHO!!!" Duo screamed, tackling Nin, and pounding the crap out of her.  
  
  
"Yes, that's it! Get into character!" Nin said, between blows.  
  
  
(One hour later)  
  
  
After nearly getting killed at Duo's hands, Nin finally decided to go ahead and tell Duo that he just needed to splah himself with hot water to rejoin the male gender.  
  
  
Duo and Master O left to take a shower.  
  
  
Nin neglected to tell them that their cursed forms were permanent, triggered by cold water. Hot water was only a temporary cure.  
  
  
Somehow, Nin miraculously healed from her wounds. Maybe the OOC aliens have possessed her, too.  
  
  
"Why am I Ryoga?" Heero asked.  
  
  
"Because you're always angry and/or depressed, and in Endless Waltz, you said, 'I've been lost ever since the day I was born'!" Nin answered.  
  
  
"I didn't mean it literally..." Heero grumbled.  
  
  
"I suppose I'm Mousse, because I work in the circus?" Trowa guessed.  
  
  
"Yup! It's even the knife throwing act, too! Ain't that a coinicidence? Except now you get to be the one who throws the knives!" Nin replied.  
  
  
"You're lucky that I'm a good actor," Trowa grumbled, "because no one in their right mind would obsess over DOROTHY."  
  
  
"I resent that remark," Quatre grumbled underneath his breath.  
  
  
"Mousse is actually pretty stotic when he's not raving about Shampoo," Nin offered.  
  
  
"But I'm not blind!" Trowa protested.  
  
  
"You might as well be," Nin replied, pointing at his uni-bang. "Oh! I almost forgot! I have to do all you guys's hair!"  
  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~~~~~~!!!!" everyone screamed.  
  
  
Nin pouted. "Fine."  
  
  
Everyone else sighed in relief.  
  
  
"Well, I guess that's it for today. OH! I almost forgot! To minimize confusion, I'll be using the G-people's names instead of the Ranma names. ...Except for Wufei, who will be called 'Pantyhose Wufei'!!! Bwahahahaha!!!!!"  
  
  
"Then what was the use of the role list? You're probably just going to confuse people even MORE. What if they get hooked on Ranma 1/2 through you, and they decide to watc/read it? Wouldn't they get confused about the names?" Noin asked.  
  
  
Nin paused, then said, "That's not MY problem!!!"  
  
  
"What a nice person," Hilde mocked, quietly, so Nin wouldn't hear, and kill her off.  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
  
1. Yes, everyone is going to be OOC and bashed at some point in the story. There's not going to be any special treatment!!! No, I don't want ANY remarks about OOC or character bashing! I bash myself the worst! Isn't that enough?  
  
  
2. There's this quote that goes something like: "Blessed are those who laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused." HELL, YES! n_n  
  
  
3. Oh, and a note on alternate forms...Duo will be known as Duo-onna, Master O as O-panda, ect. (I'll think up something for everyone else when the time comes...)  
  
  
4. I give you permission to flame me for this. This fic screams, "FLAME ME", so I won't scream it myself. Just don't flame about OOCness or character bashing, or you will be included in the next chapter. (Heh) 


	2. Here's Duo

Gundam 1/2  
  
  
by  
  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
  
Chapter 1 ~ Here's Duo  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ Go ahead and sue!!! I'll plead insanity!!! BWAHAHAHA!!! (I don't own Gundam Wing or Ranma 1/2)  
  
  
  
  
Nin: Now, before we start, I'd like to answer a question that one of my honored reviewers asked:  
  
  
"Why the heck is Dr. J playing Cologne???" ~Kaori  
  
  
Nin: The weird thing is, I actually have a REASON!!! (collective gasp from the audience) Yes, a REASON!!! I am floored by the sheer reasonibility of my REASON!!!  
  
  
Anonymous Reader: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!  
  
  
Nin: FINE. ...Anyway, my REASON (!!!) goes as follows: One - Clear your head of any rational thoughts, as they are illegal in the land of insanity. Two - Take deep, calming breaths. And three - Imagine Dr. J perched on top of his cane like a vulture, hopping around pogo-stick style!!! snort guffaw  
  
  
Anonymous Reader: ...  
  
  
Nin: Feel free to ask any more questions!  
  
  
Anonymous Reader: (thinking) Oh, please, God, no...  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
"Hi, I'm baaaaaack!!!" Nin shrieked.  
  
  
"Heeeeeeere's Ninny!!!" Duo cracked, still pissed off at her for turning him into a woman. (He's male at the moment, BTW)  
  
  
Everyone laughed (including Nin).  
  
  
Nin collapsed to the floor in mirth. "That was a good one, Duo!" she said, wiping her watery eyes, still chuckling.  
  
  
"Do you have ANY pride?" Duo grumbled (AHHH!!! The OOC aliens have struck again!!!).  
  
  
"Um...nope." Nin smiled, then turned around to drag someone in behind her.  
  
  
"I'd like everyone to meet your costume designer, Mizyuki-chan! Say hi, Misyuki-chan!"  
  
  
The brown-haired, green-eyed Caucasian female looked around the room, and said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!"  
  
  
'Oh, dear, God, no,' the Gundam people thought. 'Not ANOTHER one!!!'  
  
  
A moment later, Lady Une and the Mad Scientists gulped. That Mizyuki girl was glaring at them like they were the crud between her toes.  
  
  
Suddenly, Mizyuki lept forth and...glomped Duo, squealing like an infatuated school-girl.  
  
  
"Ahh...er...uh..." Duo stuttered, trying to remove her person from him before he ended up like Trieze, who was STILL unconscious.  
  
  
Hilde knocked Duo out with a mallet, then glared at Mizyuki like she was an annoying Cool-Aid stain.  
  
  
Mizyuki glared back, like Hilde was a bug that flew up her nose.  
  
  
"Wow, you guys!!!" Nin interrupted. "Is there ANY way that you guys could be MORE in-character!!! You guys are amazing! Duo, you look SO Ranma-ish lying on the floor, half-dead. And HILDE!!! Words cannot describe!!!"  
  
  
Mizyuki and Hilde snapped back to reality. Everyone was staring at them. They laughed nervously.  
  
  
"Well, Mizyuki," Hilde spat, "you'd better get working on those costumes."  
  
  
"I'll be sure to spend extra time on YOUR costume, Hilde," Mizyuki sneered.  
  
  
"You guys are friends ALREADY! I'm so HAPPY!!" Nin exclaimed.  
  
  
Everybody sweat-dropped.  
  
  
"The costume room is over there, Mizyuki-chan!" Nin continued, pointing in the appropriate direction.  
  
  
With a final glare in Hilde's direction, Mizyuki left for the costume room.  
  
  
"Uh...didn't you say that anyone who flamed because of the OOC or character bashing would be included in the next chapter?" Quatre asked.  
  
  
"Yeah, why do you want to know?" Nin replied.  
  
  
"Well, I was wondering what Mizyuki-chan did to deserve this."  
  
  
"Huh?" Nin looked confused. "She asked me to put her in the next chapter, so I did."  
  
  
"She ASKED???" Quatre exclaimed, wondering why she had voluntarily agreed to the heinous torture.  
  
  
"What's so bad about asking to be in the next chapter?" Nin asked.  
  
  
"Well, you DID make it clear that you were going to bash everyone in the story..."  
  
  
"True, true," Nin answered. "But you should just SEE what I have planned for the people who flame me for the OOC and bashing!"  
  
  
Quatre shivered in fear. He WAS psychic, after all.  
  
  
"Whoa!" Nin exclaimed. "How much space have I wasted already on this chapter?! It's time to get down to business!!! Have you guys memorized your lines?"  
  
  
"What lines?" Noin asked.  
  
  
"D'OH!!!!" Nin shouted.  
  
  
(One month later....)  
  
  
"So, did you guys memorize your lines, characters, situations, martial arts moves, and everything else that I might have forgotten at some point?"  
  
  
"Yes, unfortunately," the Gundam people muttered.  
  
  
Nin turned to Mizyuki. "And did you finish the costumes, Mizyuki-chan?"  
  
  
"Hai!" Mizyuki exclaimed. It was found that Mizyuki was actually very Duo-like when she wasn't insanely jealous. Therefore, she became very well loved by the Gundam people. Excluding Hilde. And Lady Une and the scientists, who were extremely paranoid around her for some reason.  
  
  
"All the costumes for this part are done!!" Mizyuki continued, then smiled at Duo. (He woke up recently)  
  
  
Hilde glared at Mizyuki.  
  
  
'Such good friends,' Nin thought to herself, smiling. "Okay, on with Part 1! I'd like to inform everyone that, since there are a lot of 'extras', everyone who doesn't appear for awhile will play the extras!!! Here's the cast for this part, in order of appearance, too!"  
  
  
Nin held up a piece of paper, which said:  
  
  
~~~  
Quatre ~ the mailman  
Instructor H ~ Soun Tendo  
Lady Une ~ Kasumi Tendo  
Noin ~ Nabiki Tendo  
Hilde ~ Akane Tendo  
Duo ~ Ranma Saotome  
Master O ~ Genma Saotome  
Professor G ~ EXTRA  
Wufei ~ EXTRA  
Trowa ~ EXTRA  
Sally ~ EXTRA  
~~~  
  
  
"Notice that the extras listed are the only ones who will actually talk. Everyone without a current role will be part of the crowd. Now, everyone get in their costumes!!!"  
  
  
"I have a question," Heero said.  
  
  
"What is it?" Nin asked.  
  
  
"I was wondering how you will be refering to everone. Instructor H, Lady Une, Noin, and Hilde aren't related, so which surname will you be using?"  
  
  
"Good question," Nin murmered. "I GOT IT! I'll use the Ranma 1/2 surnames!!"  
  
  
(And so, FINALLY, we get to start the play!!! ...Notice that it'll be slightly different than the manga)  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
(Welcome to the Tendo school of Anything-Goes martial arts!!! n_n)  
  
  
Quatre, dressed up as a mailman, walks up to a traditional Japanese home and dojo, and shouts, "Mr. Tendo! Your mail!"  
  
  
Instructor H Tendo steps outside, and accepts the mail. He's dressed in a dark gi. He walks back inside, and sits down in the tea room. He looks through his mail, and comes across a postcard with a picture of a panda on one side. It has the following written on it:  
  
  
~~~  
Hi.  
  
  
Bringing Duo from China.  
  
  
Saotome.  
~~~  
  
  
"D-Duo? Coming here?" Instructor Tendo said, tears flowing down his face, shaking slightly. "Oh, how I've W-W-WAITED for this day!"  
  
  
Instructor Tendo lept to his feet, shouting, "Hey! Une! Noin! Hilde!"  
  
  
He peeked in the kitchen, where Une Tendo is slicing watermelon, her hair in a ponytail, wearing an apron over her modest dress. "UNE!!" he shouted.  
  
  
"Yes, Daddy?" Une replied, turning around, holding a really big knife in one hand. (Get it away from her!!!! AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!)  
  
  
A moment later, Instructor Tendo barges into Noin Tendo's room, where she is lying down on her bad, reading manga, and eating a popsicle. "NOIN!!" he shouted.  
  
  
"Mm?" Noin replied, looking up. She's wearing a tanktop and jean shorts.  
  
  
Scant seconds after, Instructor Tendo rushed into Hilde Tendo's room, shouting, "HILDE!!"  
  
  
However, no one is there.  
  
  
"Where IS that girl?"  
  
  
Hilde Tendo jogged down the street, wearing a tanktop, shorts, sneakers, and a towel drapped over her shoulders. Her long hair (she's wearing a wig, BTW) is tied into a loose ponytail.  
  
  
"Hi, I'm hoooome!" she shouted, as she ran inside the gate. She proceeded to the dojo, where she changed into a gi, and placed some cement bricks in front on her.  
  
  
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks. Time stopped. "OOOOOOWWWWW!!!!" Hilde screamed, totally unexpectedly. "THAT'S REAL CEMENT!!! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PROP!!!"  
  
  
Mizyuki smiled evily, and laughed her evil laugh. Of course, no one noticed, because evil laughs were getting pretty routine at the moment.  
  
  
"CUT!" Nin shouted. "Someone get the REAL prop! We have to finish this scene!" She sighed. "And it was going so WELL, too!"  
  
  
Hilde glared at Mizyuki. It was totally obvious that it was HER fault. But did Nin notice? Nooooo. Nin was totally OBLIVIOUS.  
  
  
Zechs replaced the bricks with fake ones, and the scene starts again...  
  
  
"HYAAHH!" Hilde shouted, punching the bricks, with her LEFT hand, this time. They crumbled into dust. "Ahhh!" she sighed, wiping her forehead. "That was nice."  
  
  
"There you go again, Hilde. No wonder the boys all think you're so weird."  
  
  
Hilde turned to see Noin behind her, who has put on some sandals.  
  
  
Hilde semi-glares at her. "So why should I care? Not EVERYBODY thinks the world revolves around BOYS, Noin."  
  
  
Noin tuns around and heads back to the house. "No? Then I guess this wouldn't interest YOU."  
  
  
Hilde looks interested, then follows her into the tea room, where her father and Une are waiting.  
  
  
It starts to rain outside. Not a good omen... (Get used to it, people...n_n)  
  
  
"Fiance?" Une asked.  
  
  
"Yes," Instructor H replied. "The son of a very good friend of mine. The son's name is Duo Saotome. If one of you three girls were to marry him, and carry on this training center, then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."  
  
  
"Wait a minute!" Hilde exclaimed, standing up. "Don't WE have some say in who we marry?"  
  
  
Noin took a sip of lemonade.  
  
  
"Hilde's right, Daddy," Une said, looking concerned. "We've never even MET Duo."  
  
  
Instructor H chuckled. "That's easily fixed."  
  
  
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome to downtown Nerima!!! n_n)  
  
  
It's starting to rain here, too. Several passer-by notice some strange sounds behind them, and they turn around. They're rather surprised to see a giant panda chasing a red-haired girl down the street.  
  
  
Duo-onna is wearing a red, Chinese shirt with golden clasps, and black pants. A pair of bracers are around her wrists. She is carrying her shoes and backpack in one hand.  
  
  
O-panda is wearing nothing. (hehehe...n_n)  
  
  
O-panda takes a swipe at Duo-onna, but she dodges by jumping in the air, letting go of her shoes and backpack to gain speed. She kicks O-panda in the cheek, shouting, "YO! CUT THAT OUT!!"  
  
  
O-panda slides across the slippery street, as people jump out of the way.  
  
  
"Say--" Professor G said, "is that a PANDA?"  
  
  
"That IS a panda, isn't it?" Wufei replied.  
  
  
O-panda spits out a tooth, then gets into a ready stance.  
  
  
"Your move," Duo-onna said.  
  
  
O-panda lept forward with a barrage of punches.  
  
  
Dodging, Duo-onna shouted, "Well, I STILL say this whole thing SUCKS! Picking my fiancee for me without even ASKING!!" She grabbed O-panda by the arm, and threw him into a street sign.  
  
  
Duo-onna looked him over, making sure that he was immobile. She flicked her braid over her shoulder, and said, "I'm going back to CHINA! Suck on THAT, old man!"  
  
  
She turned, and walked off in the direction that they had come. O-panda crept up behind her, and bashed her over the head with the dislodged street sign. He slung her over his shoulder.  
  
  
"Panda. Big one," Trowa whispered.  
  
  
"Man. Hmm," Sally whispered back.  
  
  
O-panda growled at them, and the extras ran away in fear.  
  
  
(Scene switcheroo!!! Welcome back to the Tendo home and dojo!)  
  
  
"Duo and his father have been on a voyage of training. Recently, it seems, they crossed into China," Instructor Tendo continued.  
  
  
"Wow! CHINA!" Noin exclaimed.  
  
  
"What's so great about walking to China?" Hilde mumbled, glaring at the wall.  
  
  
"Is he cute?" Noin asked.  
  
  
"How old is he?" Une questioned. "Younger men bore me."  
  
  
"What kind of guy IS this Duo?" they aske in sync.  
  
  
Instructor Tendo chuckled at their curiousity, then suddenly became dead-serious, and replied, "No idea."  
  
  
"'No idea'?" Noin repeated, looking a little dangerous.  
  
  
"I've never met him," answered Instructor Tendo.  
  
  
Luckily, any bodily harm was avoided, because strange sounds were heard from the gate. Someone was shouting something like, "LEGGO, Y'OL' FOOL!" It also sounded like a fight was going on.  
  
  
"Hm?" Noin wondered.  
  
  
Une stood up. "We have visitors!"  
  
  
Noin and Instructor Tendo dashed toward the door.  
  
  
"OOOO! It must be DUO!" Noin shrieked. (This scares me for some unexplained reason...o.o)  
  
  
"Saotome, my friend! We've been waiting!" Instructor Tendo shouted.  
  
  
'Oh, I HOPE he's older!' Une wished. (GAAHH!!! o.o)  
  
  
'How depressing. BOYS!' Hilde screamed inside her mind.  
  
  
Noin and Instructor Tendo ran back inside, a panda on their heels.  
  
  
Duo-onna looked up from where she was still slung over the panda's shoulder. "Hey! YO! You're scaring 'em SPITLESS!" she shouted ay O-panda.  
  
  
"Daddy...THIS...is your FRIEND?" Une asked.  
  
  
Instructor Tendo frantically shook his head.  
  
  
"Oh. So this PANDA just decided to VISIT! Happens all the TIME!" Noin shouted  
  
  
Instructor Tendo shook his head again.  
  
  
O-panda finally decided to release his...er...son. Instructor Tendo stared at 'him'.  
  
  
"You...wouldn't be..." he asked.  
  
  
Duo-onna looked away and nervously played with her braid. "Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."  
  
  
Instructor Tendo grabbed her by the shoulders, and shouted, "At LAST! You've COME!"  
  
  
Noin looked at Duo-onna. "Oooo! He's CUTE!" (BWAAAAAH!!! O.O)  
  
  
Hilde just GLARED.  
  
  
Instructor Tendo pulled Duo-onna into a MANLY hug. (bwahaha...) He noticed something 'strange', so he pulled back, and looked at Duo-onna more closely. Noticing what was wrong, he tried to speak, but his mouth failed him.  
  
  
"Hmm?" Noticing her father's expression, Noin looked at her 'fiance' a little closer. And closer still. Finally, she leaned over, and poked Duo-onna's chest. Then she poked it again, just to be sure. (You know, this is getting kind of disgusting....barf...)  
  
  
"Um...could you stop that?" Duo-onna asked, looking very embarrassed.  
  
  
Noin glared at her fainted father. "HE is a GIRL."  
  
  
A few minutes later, when Instructor Tendo regained consciousness...and immediately started bawling.  
  
  
"Oh, poor Daddy. He's SO disappointed," Une murmered, wetting a cloth to place on her father's forehead to calm him down.  
  
  
"HE'S disappointed! Some fiance THIS is!" Noin shouted, indicating the girl sitting beside her, who was doing her best to not listen to the conversation.  
  
  
Hilde semi-glared at her sisters, and said, "Stop it, you two! He...SHE...is our GUEST!"  
  
  
Totally ignoring her younger sibling, Noin continued to yell at her father. "This is all your fault, Daddy! You should have made SURE!"  
  
  
Instructor Tendo stopped bawling long enough to shout, "Well, he said he had a SON!!"  
  
  
Noin started to..ah...grope Duo-onna again (bleeeeech!). "Do YOU see a son here? HMM? DO you?" Noin said, sarcastically.  
  
  
Duo-onna blushed, and tried to ignore what Noin was doing. "Um..." she whispered. "I really wish you'd stop that."  
  
  
Hilde noticed Duo-onna's discomfort, so, when Noin removed her offending hand, she stood up, and said, "Hy. Join me in the practice hall? I'm Hilde. You want to be friends?"  
  
  
Duo-onna looked up at Hilde, a small smile on her face.  
  
  
"KAWAII!!!!" Nin shreiked, then looked embarrassed for interrupting her own play.  
  
  
Anywayz, Hilde led Duo-onna to the dojo, and asked, "You do karate, don't you?"  
  
  
"A little," Duo-onna replied.  
  
  
"Then let's have a little match, okay?" Hilde suggested.  
  
  
"Huh?"  
  
  
"Just for fun," Hilde explained, getting into her battle stance. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you."  
  
  
"If you say so," Duo-onna answered, not bothering to get into a martial arts stance.  
  
  
Hilde waited for a moment, then rushed forward with a punch, shouting, "HAI!"  
  
  
Duo-onna jumped over her fist.  
  
  
Hilde continued with a high kick, but Duo-onna dodged that, too.  
  
  
After another punch and kick, which Duo-onna dodged, Hilde asked, "What's wrong? Swing at me!" She continued with her attack.  
  
  
Hilde paused for a breather. 'Why...why am I missing her? Is she reading my moves?'  
  
  
Suddenly, Hilde became more determined than ever to land an attack. 'Okay. This time....FOR REAL!'  
  
  
Launching a devestating punch, Hilde's fist went straight through the wall.  
  
  
Duo-onna, who had flipped over the taller girl, poked the back of her head, then chuckled.  
  
  
Hilde turned around, and started to laugh, too.  
  
  
Clearing her throat, Hilde said, "You're pretty good. Well, I'm just glad you're a GIRL." She turned around, and started for the door.  
  
  
"Huh?" Duo-onna said, turning to look at her.  
  
  
"It's just..." Hilde replied, "I'd really hate to lose to a boy!"  
  
  
("Uh oh" says Nin)  
  
  
(LOOK! A pic of O-panda in the bath!!! Isn't he so ka......oh, my GAWD!!! o.o)  
  
  
Master Saotome and Instructor Tendo sat across from each other, tears running down their faces. Suddenly, the small hoses attached to their eyes start to go bezerk, and they end up spraying themselves in the eyeballs. They scream in pain, and Mizyuki said, "MWA HAH HAH HAH HAH!!!" Nin didn't notice.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen....  
  
  
Noin walked into the kitchen, where Une was making a snack for her father and his guest.  
  
  
"Une? Who's THAT old guy?" she asked.  
  
  
"Got me," Une replied, then left the kitchen, finding Duo-onna on the porch, deep in thought.  
  
  
"Duo! Come on, Duo!" she said, attempting to catch Duo's attention. "Wouldn't you like to take a bath?"  
  
  
Duo-onna snapped out of her reverie. "Huh? NO! I mean...it's okay."  
  
  
Une forced Duo-onna to her feet, and pulled her downthe hallway. "No it's not! You must be all sweaty from your workout!"  
  
  
Duo-onna surrendered, entered the bathroom, and removed her clothes.  
  
  
"GAHHH!!!" Nin screamed, hiding underneath her chair. "My virgin eyes!!!!" (She remains there for the rest of the scene.)  
  
  
"It's kind of weird to look at a guy in a naked girl's body," Mizyuki agreed.  
  
  
Everyone else in the audience is either losing their lunch, or politely turning away.  
  
  
Not really noticing, Duo-onna filled a bucket full of cold water, and upended it over her head.  
  
  
"Oooh! Cold!" she remarked, then got into the tub full of hot water.  
  
  
"Aaaah. NOW what do I do?"  
  
  
Meanwhile, Noin found Hilde, and said, "Hilde! Bath's ready!"  
  
  
"Thanks," Hilde replied, and headed to the bath.  
  
  
And, in the bath...  
  
  
"Hmmm. Hmmm. What to do? What to do?"  
  
  
And...  
  
  
Hilde entered the changing room, and started to undress.  
  
  
Nin whimpered.  
  
  
And...  
  
  
'Well, they'll find out anyway. Sooner or later.'  
  
  
And...  
  
  
Hilde finished undressing, and started to open the door....  
  
  
And...  
  
  
"May as well just go out like I am."  
  
  
And...  
  
  
Hilde and Duo stared at each other's naked bodies.  
  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!" Mizyuki screamed, jumping on the set, grabbing a hose. "HOW DARE YOU STARE AT HIS BODY?!" She laughed manically as she chased Hilde off the set, spraying her with cold water.  
  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEK!!!!" Hilde screamed, managing to grab a robe along the way.  
  
  
Muzyuki, seeing that Hilde wasn't being a pervert any more, went back to her seat.  
  
  
Hilde glared at Mizyuki, then put on the robe, so they could just get the scene over with.  
  
  
Duo convulsed in total, complete lust. (Whatta perv! n_n)  
  
  
"Is it safe to come out, now?" Nin asked.  
  
  
Hilde screamed at the top of her lungs, getting the entire house's attention. She ran outside, and grabbed a boulder.  
  
  
"I'll weigh him down! I'll drown him in the bathtub!" she screamed.  
  
  
Noin followed her outside, followed by Noin.  
  
  
"Hilde, what IS it?!" Noin exclaimed. "What's that for?!"  
  
  
"There's a PERVERT in the BATHROOM!" Hilde shouted.  
  
  
"Why don't you just kill him with your bare hands?" Noin suggested.  
  
  
"Because I'm AFRAID!!" Hilde retorted.  
  
  
"That's odd," Une said, looking toward the bath. "Duo was in the bath just now.  
  
  
A figure exited the bath.  
  
  
"Uh...who...who..." Une stuttered.  
  
  
"WHO ARE YOU?" Noin demanded.  
  
  
A male Duo stared at the floor, blushing horribly. "I'm, Duo Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."  
  
  
Une, Noin, and Hilde just stare at the boy.  
  
  
=======================================================================================  
  
  
Nin crawled out from underneath her chair, dusting herself off. "Wow, you guys did really well. In what I actually saw, anyway. One would almost think that you were on good behaviour just so I would let my guard down. You guys aren't thinking of assassinating me, are you?"  
  
  
Duo glared at everyone, and said, "If anyone kills her, I SWEAR..."  
  
  
"Wow, Duo, I didn't know that you cared..." Nin smiled.  
  
  
Duo looked disgusted. "If they kill you, how in the seven hells would I get my CURE?"  
  
  
"That is true," Nin said, still smiling. "But I thought that it had something to do with the nude scene."  
  
  
Duo's eyes went out of focus, and he drooled. (EX: V@V,@V------)  
  
  
Hilde smiled. Mizyuki frowned.  
  
  
"Nin?" Relena asked. "I'd like to know why I wasn't even mentioned in this part." Relena looked very sad.  
  
  
Nin crumbled under the dreaded 'sad, puppy-eyes' attack. "I was...I was saving you for the end!"  
  
  
"Really?" Relena asked, looking hopeful.  
  
  
"Yeah! Um..." Nin dug through her pockets, then finally pulled out a piece of paper. "Since you, Relena, are one of the most hated, yet loved, characters in Gundam Wing, it's kind of appropriate for you to read this!" She handed Relena the piece of paper.  
  
  
Relena smiled, then started to read. "It has come to my attention that some heartless people insult characters in their reviews (though, it hasn't happened for this story...yet). So, I have decided that anyone who dares to write obscene comments about the characters in this story will be delivered a fate worse than death itself!!! Total, complete, humiliation!!!" Relena paused. "Isn't that a bit harsh, Nin?"  
  
  
"I don't think so. Check out the reviews to "Eek! Save Me!", then we'll talk."  
  
  
Relena checks out the reviews. She gets a scary, zero-look to her. "THESE PEOPLE MUST DIE~!!! HEERO~!!! KILL THEM~!!!"  
  
  
Heero just stares at Relena in absolute fear, like everyone else.  
  
  
"Fine!" Relena said. "I'll just go do it myself!"  
  
  
Nin grabs Relena's legs, trying to slow her down. As the screen fades, she shouts, "Stay tuned for Gundam 1/2, Part 2! Duo's Secret!"  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
  
1. Yeah...this one was kinda dry in the humor area. But writing this in prose is kinda hard...I'll do better in the next chapter, I promise!!! n_n  
  
  
2. Does Mizyuki-chan like? n_n I gotta save some of your quirks for later, or else I'll run out of ideas!!!  
  
  
3. Anyone else who wants to be in the next chapter has to email me, 'kay? ...Though, not too many of you. I don't want to end up totally confusing the readers with new characters!!! I think I'll only accept five people for now.  
  
  
4. Hmmm...I think I'll wait a little while before writting the next chapter. I was kinda...sane...in this one. I'll wait until I'm on a sugar rush again, 'kay?  



	3. Duo's Secret

Gundam 1/2  
  
by  
  
Nin Tendo  
  
Chapter 2 ~ Duo's Secret  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ You know, I tried every trick in the book, but I STILL don't own either anime. HEY! I KNOW! Everyone review, and say that Nin Tendo should be in charge of a sequel to Gundam Wing and Ranma 1/2!!! I'll share the profits!!!  
  
NOTE: If a person seems OOC, it's because they're 'getting into character'. There are exceptions, though...like Zechs and Quatre and blah blah blah...  
  
Nin: Hello, and welcome to the next chapter of this quirky mess that I call my story! Have fun! I know I will!  
  
Anonymous Reader: Didn't you have something IMPORTANT to say here?  
  
Nin: Oh, yes! Thank you, Anonymous Reader! Evil, character bashing in reviews will not be tolerated! Ex: Relena sucks! Also, a few of you wanted to willingly sign over your souls--er, I mean, be part of my story. I'll be able to fit you all in, but not in THIS chapter! This chapter was planned out already! And Pip-Chan has to email me! VERY IMPORTANT! THIS chapter is all about Mizyuki-chan-torture. Though, the word 'torture' is a little too strong...more like...um...sigh. I'll just stick with 'torture'.  
  
Anonymous Reader: Don't you ever shut up?!  
  
Nin: Actually, during school, I might as well be mute. When I come home, I go on a continuous sugar high to make up for my silence.  
  
Anonymous Reader: I'm glad that I don't live with you, then.  
  
Nin: Mm hm. You should see me after work. I'm downright SCARY!  
  
Anonymous Reader: (looks frightened)  
  
Nin: Aw, hell. This was an extremely pointless scene. Sigh.  
  
Anonymous Reader: Then why did you even bother writing it in the first place?  
  
Nin: Why, to annoy you, of course, Anonymous Reader!  
  
Anonymous Reader: grumble grumble...  
  
Nin: SUCCESS! n.n  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Nin skipped in to her imaginary theatre, where her ficticious 'friends' resided. (Translation: Nin spaced out in Social Studies, and prepared to terrorize the G-people [and Mizyuki] whom she had locked inside her vivid imagination.)  
  
"Is everyone prepared?!" she shouted, seeing that nobody had noticed her arrival.  
  
Everyone ignored her.  
  
"Alrighty then!" Nin shouted again, then noticed that someone was missing.  
  
"Hey, where's Heero?"  
  
Hearing Heero's name, Relena looked up from where she was having an animated discussion with Quatre and Catherine. "Oh, he's busy getting into character."  
  
Dorothy overheard the small conversation and laughed. "He go to bathroom, and Dorothy no see him since!" (Chinese accent...don't ask...n_n)  
  
Zechs laughed heartily at his rival's plight. Pretty much everyone else joined in. Even the STILL unconscious Trieze snickered in his sleep.  
  
Relena fumed.  
  
Duo, who was the only one (besides Relena) who didn't find humor in Heero's situation, stalked over to Nin, and shouted, "Where the hell have you been?!"  
  
Nin stopped snickering and asked, "Huh? What are you talking about?"  
  
"I've been here for WEEKS, floating around in limbo, waiting for YOU to get your ass in gear, and start writing this story again!!!"  
  
"Ohhhh!" Nin said, enlightened. "Well, I was busy! I wrote a poem for a poem contest (and didn't win...sigh..-_-), I scared my sister's bully shitless, I got inspired to write a couple more stories, I've updated my site, I've updated my archive, I got addicted to Pokemon Pinball, I've been posting messages in some Internet clubs, I'm taking part in a Ranma 1/2 RPG, I've been reading fics, I surfed the net a little, I watched a while lot of movies (including Gundam 0079!!!), I've been working on my cross-stitching projects, I helped mom finish her rug-hooking project, I've gone to school, I've been working, I've written more Ranma fics, I've written more GW fics, and I've been catching up on my sleep, among other things!"  
  
Duo blinked.  
  
"Note to self:" Nin continued, speaking to herself this time, "go to bed earlier, or you'll NEVER break five feet!"  
  
Duo sweatdropped, and backed away from the midget.  
  
Nin snapped back into her imagined reality. "Well, let's get to work, people! We need to finish this chapter before a rabid Mizyuki-chan starts harassing me!"  
  
"HEY!" Mizyuki shouted in indignation.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mizyuki-chan, but like I promised, everyone in this fic must be bashed at some point," Nin replied.  
  
"Oh,,,well, in that case, YOU SUCK RELENA!!! DRY UP AND DIE!!!"  
  
Mizyuki's shout echoed throughout the threatre, and silence decended upon them. Everyone besides Nin turned, and looked at Mizyuki in terror.  
  
Mizyuki wondered why everyone was staring at her. She looked at Nin, and all her questions were answered.  
  
Nin's eyes had turned blood-red, and her long brown hair flowed through the air like Medusa's snakes. In a demon-like voice, she hissed, "Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."  
  
Mizyuki's eyes widened in horror.  
  
Then a bright flash of light consumed her.  
  
When she reappeared, Mizyuki was dressed in a poor imitation of Relena's school uniform, and written on the front were the words: All Hail Mistress Relena! We Are Not Worthy!  
  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Mizyuki screamed.  
  
Nin collapsed on the floor, returning to normal. Standing up again, her footing a little unsure, she looked at Mizyuki and raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Since when are you a Relena-worshipper? ...Actually, it looks more like you're Relena-OBSESSED. Not even a Relena-worshipper would wear THAT."  
  
"You...YOU!!! YOU did this to me, you sadist!!!"  
  
Nin paused. "Wait a sec. Did you just insult someone? My memory is a bit hazy..."  
  
Mizyuki took a deep breath. "I insulted Relena because YOU'LL probably never get around to it, 'cause YOU are a Relena-worsipper! I was doing you a FAVOR, and THIS is how you repay me?!"  
  
"Whoa! Whoa! Let me explain! I installed this split personality into myself to make sure that no one in this fic is bashed too badly! The same thing will happen to anyone that openly insults YOU! It's in everyones best interests! ...Besides, I've been slacking off as a Relena-worshipper lately! I don't give a damn anymore!"  
  
"Whatever. How long do I have to wear this...this...THING?"  
  
"Just until this chapter's done. Oh, and did I neglect to mention that you're Relena's loyal servant throughout the duration of this chapter?"  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Oh, I suppose I did! If Relena asks you to do something, you do it!"  
  
Mizyuki snickered. "Well, we'll see about THAT!"  
  
Relena decided to try it out. "Mizyuki-chan, I want you to go change into your regular clothes."  
  
Mizyuki threw herself at Relena's feet and shouted, "Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the best of my abilities!" She got up and sped toward the changing room.  
  
"Aww! Relena!" Hilde whined. "Why did you have to do that for? It was just getting GOOD!" Lady Une and the scientists agreed. Mizyuki had played mean tricks on them while Nin was away.  
  
"I'm sorry, guys, but, as a princess of a pasifist country, I am against any form of human suffering...and that includes bad fashion statements."  
  
Everyone stared at Relena a little strangely.  
  
"And, no," Relena continued, "I didn't just insult myself. There's a major time lapse between 2001 and AC196. Fashion's bound to change."  
  
Everyone clapped, because Relena makes the most splendiferous speeches in the world! I mean, people applaud when she invites people to her birthday! What can I say? She's a natural.  
  
(A/N: Oh! Look! I guess I'm a Relena-worshipper again! lol)  
  
Nin moved to take a seat in her director's chair, but the evilest of all evils prevented her from her goal!  
  
"OW!!! GOSH DERNIT!!! I HATE IT WHEN ROCKS GET IN MY SHOES!!!" Nin shouted in fustration.  
  
The GW people stared at the wannabe Author in curiousity as she limped the rest of the way to her chair, then pulled off her shoe and shook it.  
  
Heero fell out. He landed on his nose from the THIRD time in Nin's fanfiction, yet the bone STILL remained intact!  
  
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! I mean, even Trowa laughed when he made that stupid joke. What can I say? He's a natur--  
  
Heero deathglared Nin, so she decided to quit while she was ahead.  
  
Slowly, Heero stood up on unsteady feet, shivering uncontrollably. He had goosebumps all over his arms and legs, and his hair was frozen solid.  
  
"HEERO!!!" Relena shouted in concern. She grabbed a winter coat out of her Kodachi-hammerspace-connection, ran over to Heero, put it on him, and started to rub his arms, hoping that the friction would help warm him up.  
  
Poor Noin had to restrain Zechs, so she couldn't offer Heero any photos of extremely warm places...for a price, of course.  
  
"Growl!" said Zechs.  
  
Suddenly, Mizyuki ran back inside, relieved that her 'Mistress' had a forgiving nature. That dress was simply diabolical.  
  
"MIZYUKI-CHAN!!! START A HOT BATH FOR HEERO!!!"  
  
"Yes, Mistress! You are my goddess! I shall fulfill your wish to the bast of my abilities!"  
  
"And shorten your response! It's annoying me!"  
  
"Yes, Mistress!" Mizyuki ran off to fill the bath.  
  
Relena ran after her with a shivering Heero in tow.  
  
"GROWL!" said Zechs, jumping to conclusions.  
  
"Where did Heero GO? ...The North Pole?" Catherine asked.  
  
"Antarctica...again?" Quatre suggested.  
  
"Canada?" Sally wondered.  
  
Nin laughed. "Canada's not THAT bad! ...But, then again, Heero WAS wearing his spandex and tanktop..."  
  
Wufei snorted. "You're ALL wrong! I saw Heero walk into the refridgerator. He probably mistook it for the bathroom. I tried to stop him, but he was already gone."  
  
Everyone laughed, because Heero is the most splendiferous comedian in the world! (A/N: OK, OK, so that's getting a little old...n_n)  
  
Suddenly, Trieze regained consciousness!  
  
"TRIEZE-SAMA!!!"  
  
And then he was unconscious again!  
  
"How many times has that happened?" Nin wondered.  
  
"I lost count," Trowa replied. "But we were able to feed him now and then, so he didn't starve to death."  
  
"Well, his big introduction is in the next chapter, so we better figure out how to stop Lady Une from glomping him to death," Nin stated.  
  
"We'll think of something," Noin offered, "but for now, I suggest we get out butts in gear. I have a date with Zechs this evening."  
  
"Groooooowl..." said Zechs.  
  
"I do NOT want to know!" Duo proclaimed.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Cast of Characters (because you all probably forgot by now...lol):  
  
Instructor H - Soun Tendo  
Master O - Genma Saotome  
Duo - Ranma Saotome  
Hilde - Akane Tendo  
Noin - Nabiki Tendo  
Une - Kasumi Tendo  
Doktor S - the Jusenkyo Guide  
  
Remember that the GW people use the R1/2 people's last names!!! VERY IMPORTANT!!! (ex: Duo Saotome, Hilde Tendo)  
  
=============================================================================  
  
"I'll explain it once more," Instructor Tendo announced. "This is my dear old friend..." He outstretched his hand to Master Saotome.  
  
"...Master Saotome," he said, introducing himself. "And this is my SON..."  
  
"...Duo," concluded the braided boy.  
  
Hilde glared at Duo with an intense anger. Duo stared back, sweat-dropping.  
  
"What's this all about?" asked Noin, confused.  
  
"Are you really HER?" Une asked. "That same GIRL?"  
  
"Hmmmm," brooded Master Saotome. "Where should I begin? I know...HYAH!!" he shouted, throwing Duo in the Tendo's fishpond.  
  
"HEY!!" SPLOOSH "What the hell are you DOING?!" Duo-onna shouted, resurfacing as a girl.  
  
Hilde stopped glaring, surprised.  
  
"Mm?" Noin murmered, shocked.  
  
"Now he's a GIRL!" Une exclaimed.  
  
Master Saotome started bawling. "Ohhh. My own son. So humiliating. So humiliating."  
  
Duo-onna kicked her father into the fishpond. Master Saotome resurfaced as a PO'd O-panda.  
  
"Who are YOU to talk?!" Duo-onna shouted.  
  
"Daddy? Why are you friends with them?" Une asked her father.  
  
"They weren't like this before!" Instructor Tendo said in defense. "Not before they went to China...and undertook that terrifying training exercise!"  
  
(A pic of O-panda and Duo-onna soaking in the tub entertains the readers as Duo changes both clothes and gender for the flashback scene)  
  
//Flashback--Mt. Quanjing, Bayankala Range, Qinghai Province, China//  
  
"Here, sir," Jusenkyo Guide S presented, "is legendary 'Training Ground of Accursed Springs'!"  
  
A slightly younger looking Master and Duo sttod beside the guide, staring out at all the hundreds of springs with bamboo poles sticking out of them.  
  
Duo's hair wasn't braided...it was in a ponytail.  
  
From off the set, Quatre, in a fit of OOCness, issued a few catcalls, because Duo looked as female as his female half.  
  
"SHUDDUP!!!" Duo shouted, and started chasing poor Quatre, weilding a bamboo pole.  
  
(A/N: The resulting scene is censored, for this fic is only rated PG-13. Let's move on, shall we?)  
  
"Are you prepared, Duo?" Master asked.  
  
A severly bruised and beaten Duo muttered, "This place isn't so impressive."  
  
(A/N: I'm sure that you all can manage to come up with a creative reason why Duo got his arse kicked)  
  
"This place very dangerous. Nobody use now," Jusenkyo Guide S said. "Is more than one hundred spring here...and every one have own tragic legend!"  
  
"Duo, follow me!" Master shouted, as he and Duo completely ignored the guide, and jumped onto the top of the bamboo poles.  
  
"Ah! Sir! What you doing?" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted, trying to get their attention...but, alas, he did not.  
  
"I won't go easy on you," Master told Duo.  
  
"That's how I want it," Duo replied.  
  
"Please, sir! Very bad if you fall in spring!" the guide shouted...only to be ignored again.  
  
"OYSHOHTOH!" Master shouted, attacking his son.  
  
Duo wordlessly flipped over his father, and kicked him into a spring.  
  
"Gotcha," he said, smirking. Then, when Master didn't come up again, he asked, "Pop? What's up? We done already? YOW!"  
  
To Duo's surprise, a panda dressed in his father;s clothes jumped out of the spring, and landed on top of another pole.  
  
"Wha--? Wha--? Wha--?" Duo said, pointing at the panda.  
  
"That is 'Spring of Drowned Panda'! There is tragic legend, very tragic, of panda...who drown there two thousand year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of panda!" Jusenkyo Guide S shouted in a single breath.  
  
"Oh, no," Duo said, finally NOT ignored the guide. O-panda started swiping at him, but Duo dodged, and shouted, "Wait a second! You never said anything about--"  
  
O-panda cut him off by tossing him into a spring.  
  
"Ohhhh!" Jusenkyo Guide S moaned. "Not 'Spring of Drowned Girl'! There is tragic legend, VERY tragic, of young girl who drown in spring...one thousand five hundred year ago! Now whoever fall in that spring...take body of young girl!"  
  
Duo-onna resurfaced, looked down her shirt, and said, "UHHHH?"  
  
"You see what I mean?"  
  
//End Flashback//  
  
The Tendos and Saotomes sat in silence until a passing wind disturbed a lone wind chime.  
  
"The Legendary Ground of Accursed Springs," Instructor Tendo murmered. "Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery. But now..."  
  
Duo glared at the floor. "Feh! Whaddya mean, 'true horror'?" He grabbed his father by the collar of his gi. "Yo, old man--What's the idea draggin' me to a place like that, anyway?"  
  
"HEEYAH!" Master shouted, throwing Duo in the fishpond again.  
  
SPLASH "YOW!" Duo-onna shouted, turning female again.  
  
"You sound like a WOMAN!" Master shouted. "Were you not prepared to give your life for the sake of your training?"  
  
"My life, yes," Duo-onna replied, proceeding to splash her father with a conveniently placed bucket of cold water. "MY MANHOOD IS ANOTHER STORY!"  
  
Duo-onna and O-panda got into a scrag-fight. (A/N: Whaaaaat? It sure looks that way in the manga! lol)  
  
"Oh, what a tragedy!" Instructor Tendo shouted, bursting into tears.  
  
"Stop that!" Une shouted, causing Duo-onna and O-panda to cease fighting. "You just went TOO FAR, Mr. Saotome!"  
  
"Yeah!" Noin agreed. "Even for martial arts training!"  
  
"What EVER made you do something so dangerous?" Une continued.  
  
O-panda dropped a book on the floor, and Noin picked it up. Une looked over her shoulder.  
  
"It's Chinese. A map...and guide book?" Une guessed.  
  
"Something about...'training grounds'." Noin replied.  
  
"No wonder..." Une murmered, then turned to O-panda. "You can't read Chinese, can you?!"  
  
O-panda held up a sign that said 'correct!'.  
  
Duo-onna punched her father.  
  
Instructor Tendo wordlessly poured some boiling hot water on O-panda. "So," he said, "when doused with hot water, you return to human form."  
  
Master Saotome received minor burns. "Well, it needn't be quite THAT hot."  
  
Instructor Tendo turned to Duo. "When doused with cold water, you become a girl...but HOT water turns you back into a BOY!"  
  
He tried to splash Duo-onna, but she got out of the way. "HOT water! Not BOILING!"  
  
"No sweat," Instructor Tendo replied, patting Duo-onna on the back. "Your problem isn't so terrible after all!"  
  
"Huh?" Duo-onna wondered.  
  
Instructor Tendo introduced his daughters. "My daughter, Une. Nineteen. And Noin. Seventeen. And Hilde. Sixteen. Pick the one you want. She's your fiancee."  
  
"Oh, he wants Hilde!" Une exclaimed.  
  
"Eh?" Hilde murmered, confused.  
  
"Oh, definitely!" noin agreed, pushing Hilde forward.  
  
"You must be joking!" Hilde shouted. "Why would I be--"  
  
"Well...you hate BOYS, don't you?" Noin rationalized.  
  
"So you're in luck! He's half girl!" Une said, smiling.  
  
"Me? Marry that PERVERT?! NEVER!" Hilde shouted.  
  
Duo-onna growled. Hilde had struck a nerve. "Say--whaddya mean, 'PERVERT'?!"  
  
"You looked at my BODY, pervert!"  
  
"HOLD IT! YOU walked in on ME!"  
  
"It's DIFFERENT when a GIRL sees a BOY!"  
  
The two old fogies started laughing. "They're already a perfect couple!" Instructor Tendo proclaimed.  
  
"He's a couple by HIMSELF!" Hilde shouted at her father. She turned back to Duo-onna. "And if you ever--"  
  
"GOODBYE!" Duo-onna interrupted, heading for the door.  
  
"Where are you going, boy?" Master Saotome warned.  
  
"Back to China!" Duo-onna replied. "To find a way to change back for good! This is no time for 'fiancees'." She turned back to Hilde. "By the way...YOU took a pretty good look at ME, too." She opened the top of her shirt, showing a bit of cleavage. "Besides, it's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I mean, I've seen MYSELF plently of times, right? And I'm BUILT better to boot!"  
  
Duo-onna laughed and laughed...until Hilde brained him with the kitchen table.  
  
"Now THAT he had coming!" said Master Saotome.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Duo-onna regained consciousness in the guestroom.  
  
"Mm?" she murmered, opening her eyes.  
  
"Ah! She's awake!" Une said from where she was sitting beside Noin.  
  
Duo-onna tried to get up too fast, then moaned, holding her head in her hands.  
  
"Are you okay?" Une asked. "Don't think too badly of Hilde. She's really a very sweet girl. She's just a violent maniac."  
  
"Oh, good, Une. That makes LOTS of sense," Noin said, sarcastically.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Hilde entered the bathroom, only to see Mizyuki guarding the door to the tub.  
  
"What are YOU doing here?!" Hilde shouted.  
  
"Guarding the door for Mistress Relena!" Mizyuki answered, unable to insult her arch-enemy, because Relena had told her not to.  
  
"Why would she..." The light dawned. "Oh. Well, I better not, uh, interrupt them..."  
  
Noin, smelling potential blackmail, burst in, pushed Mizyuki aside, held her camera in the ready-position, and opened the door.  
  
Everyone saw Relena and Heero making out for a split second before they disappeared in a flash of light.  
  
"ROAR!" said Zechs.  
  
"Dammit! Too late!" Noin cursed.  
  
"Get back to work, everyone!!!" Nin shouted, now that the HY/RP sap was over.  
  
Mizyuki and Noin ran offstage, and Hilde went inside and got undressed.  
  
Filling a backet of water, and upending it over her head, Hilde thought, 'Make a fool of ME, eh? Why that...that...that...'  
  
I'm BUILT better to boot!  
  
'That...that...BOY!'  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Duo-onna walked down the stairs, thinking, 'Yeeeouch! It still smarts. What kind of GIRL is she, anyway?'  
  
You want to be friends?  
  
Duo-onna stepped into the bathroom, and undressed. 'So much for "friends" when she found out I'm a BOY!'  
  
Duo-onna opened the door just as a naked Hilde started to leave.  
  
"Uh...uh...uh oh!"  
  
"Why you...you...you..."  
  
POW!  
  
=============================================================================  
  
A now masculine Duo sat outside with his father.  
  
"So she's got SPUNK. That just makes a fiancee CUTER," Master Saotome said.  
  
Duo had a huge bruise on his face. "CUTE is not the word."  
  
Noin and Hilde were sitting at the table.  
  
"But you were both GIRLS, right? That makes it okay!" Noin said.  
  
"OKAY is not the word," Hilde replied.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
"YEA! YEA! It's done! It's done! Now people will stop harrassing me!" Nin shrieked.  
  
"I did NOT harrass you!" Mizyuki shouted.  
  
"I never said that you did..." Nin said, confused.  
  
Zechs stepped up to Nin and shouted, "Where's Heero?! I'm going to DESTROY him!" (A/N: lol...gotta love the cut version...n_n)  
  
"Congrats, Zechs! You can SPEAK again!" Nin shouted.  
  
Everyone laughed. Zechs was almost as funny as Heero!  
  
Zechs stormed out the door.  
  
Then Trieze regained consciousness AGAIN!  
  
"TRIEZE-SA--" BANG  
  
Everyone looked at Wufei, who was standing over Une's unconscious body, holding a frying pan.  
  
"Whaaaaaat? She was getting DAMN annoying, and I'm trying to meditate!"  
  
Everyone adverted their eyes.  
  
Nin grabbed Trieze, gave him a script, pushed him into a separate room, said, "Memorize your lines!", and closed the door.  
  
"You don't like Trieze much, do you?" asked Sally.  
  
"No...I like him...it's just that I have NO ideas for him, so I'm stalling shamelessly!"  
  
"Ah," Sally said, nodding.  
  
Heero and Relena stepped out of the closet, wearing nothing but towels. Heero looked tramatized.  
  
"Heero, if you would just stop getting lost, wierd things like that wouldn't happen!" Relena said.  
  
Heero whimpered.  
  
"Where did he go THIS time?" Catherine asked.  
  
"...Someplace that will soon be dubbed 'Heero's Hell'. I didn't think it was so bad, but Heero doesn't want me to talk about it. Besides, it violates the censor," Relena answered.  
  
Dorothy looked out the window. "Dorothy see many-names-man coming. He holding one-way ticket to 'Heero's Hell'!"  
  
Heero pulled Relena back into the closet, slammed the door, then locked it.  
  
Zechs stepped inside. "Okay, where is he? I've got a one-way ticket with his name on it!"  
  
Everyone took pity on Heero, and remained silent.  
  
Nin decided to change the subject. "Oh, Mizyuki! You're free to go! You don't have to serve Relena anymore!"  
  
"YEA!!!" Mizyuki cheered. She glomped Duo in all her happiness.  
  
She squeezed him a little too hard...especially with all the wounds he had aquired in such a short time. Poor Duo fainted from the pain.  
  
"Look what you did to him!!!" Hilde shouted.  
  
"You're the one that half-killed him, you violent maniac!" Mizyuki shot back.  
  
"Only Nin Tendo may bash the characters in this story, for she is the almighty goddess of Gundam 1/2. All others must be punished immediately and thoroughly."  
  
"OH, DEAR GOD, NO!!!"  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. snicker Let that be a lesson to you all. n_n (I'm sorry Mizyuki. To apologize, I will not write you under Hilde's power...not yet, anyway...lol)  
  
2. No...I won't tell you how Duo got beat up, or what happened in Heero's Hell. It's not that I couldn't think of something...I just thought that it would be nice for everyone to be creative. If you REALLY want to know...mail me. n_n  
  
3. I'm sorry, but I will not accept any more people in this fic. Pip-Chan! I think I can squeeze you in, but you have to e-mail me before the next chapter, because your address ain't on your profile page!  
  
  
"Nin...."  
  
(humming noises)  
  
"Nin..."  
  
(chuckling noises)  
  
"Nin!"  
  
snicker  
  
"NIN!"  
  
"HUH? Whazzat?"  
  
"Go the the Principal's office. I will not tolerate any students spacing out in my classroom!"  
  
"Awww..." (Nin walks to the Principal's office) 


	4. I Hate Men!

Gundam 1/2  
by  
Nin Tendo  
  
Chapter 3 ~ I Hate Men!  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ Maybe if I'm really nice to them, the creators of Gundam Wing and Ranma 1/2 will make me their heiress...?  
  
  
Nin: And here we are, posting yet another chapter of the story with a wierd, fraction-thingy in the title!  
  
Anonymous Reader: "we"? You're not refering to ME, are you?  
  
Nin: YOU? Nahhh. I meant my split personality. Her name is Hentai-Onna and she really likes you!  
  
Anonymous Reader: O.O (runs away)  
  
Nin: ...Well, I guess I'll just have to answer the reviews by myself.  
  
(Note: I edited some parts out for the benefit of my fingers)  
  
"I hope I can be in this story at some point (maybe as one of Duo's fiancees (one can hope))...I shall count the days 'til the next chapter is out." ~Chiren Decimal  
  
Nin: Hmmm...I guess I COULD fit you in somewhere...but it'll have to be a temporary thing. How about this? Pick a minor character from Ranma 1/2 and I'll let you act that character out so you can chase Duo behind the scenes. That sound good to me! Oh, and how many days HAS it been? ...I lost count. -_-  
  
"The voice actor Cathy Weseluck plays both Dorothy and Shampoo in the dubbed versions." ~Amalia R. James  
  
Nin: COOL! I was RIGHT to have Dorothy play Shampoo! :D Now, if only I'd had the common sense to get Quatre to play Mousse and Wufei, Kuno. (At least, I THINK they have the same voice actors.)  
  
"DOROTHY IS TOO DAMN SCARY TO BE PAIRED WITH QUATRE!!!!! Trowa and Cathy are related, so that pairing is just wRoNg." ~Catseye  
  
Nin: Must...not...curse...Catseye...to...eternal...damnation...gasp huff huff...Okay...I'm okay now. phew Since this was a review on the PROLOGUE, where I didn't type out the no-character-bashing-in-reviews-or-die warning...I'll make a little deal. Catseye, if you apologize to poor Dorothy before I post the next chapter, I'll totally forget about it, and NOT make you comb Dorothy's eyebrows. n_n Oh, and where in tarnation did you get the idea that I would pair up Trowa with his sis? I don't remember any lovey-dovey scene...sigh Oh, well, I guess I'll have to make their feelings toward each other more apparent, then, huh? And I really wish nobody else tells me how much they hate Dorothy...because I am a brown-haired, brown-eyed version of her, and you all love ME, don't you? Don't you?! Why don't you answer...? (cries)  
  
Dorothy-lover: Awright, that's IT! HOW DARE YOU, NIN?!?!?!?!  
  
Dorothy-lover's friend: (holdes back Dorothy-lover) Whoa, WHOA! Let's talk this over RATIONALLY!  
  
Dorothy-lover: RATIONALLY?! Nin just compared DOROTHY to HERSELF! Can there ever be a more heinous crime?!?! HOW DARE YOU INSULT DOROTHY-SAMA?!?!?!?!  
  
(The "Knights of Nin" cart off Dorothy-lover and, mistakingly, Dorothy-lover's friend, off to The Torture Chamber of Nin's Castle. Which is a real page, just to let you know.)  
  
Nin: ...Okay...  
  
"DUO IS AN INSANE, STUPID, WANNA-BE WITH GIRLY HAIR! *sticks out tongue*" ~Gundanium Dragon (Review from "Eek! Save My Earth!". Hey, I WARNED him, but nooooo...)  
  
Nin: Oh, my! You really want to be in my story, don't you, Gundanium Dragon? I feel so priveliged! You pretended to hate Duo's guts just so you would be able to pose as his personal servant! Oh! I'm so happy I could almost pair you up with him...! ...But...alas...the Duo/Hilde lovers would be disappointed, so you're doomed to be just another victim of unrequited love...my heart bleeds for you...;_; If you're not up to the heinous torture, though, you could always apologize to Duo. I'm sure that your heart is telling you to do that anyway! (lol...don't worry, I really won't go THAT far, sucker! :p) But, cheer up! If you'd just substitute "Duo" with "Nin" in that review, it WOULD be a correct sentence! Same with the Dorothy-bashing review!  
  
Anonymous Reader: (comes back) NIN IS TOO DAMN SCART TO BE PAIRED WITH QUATRE!!!!! NIN IS AN INSANE, STUPID, WANNA-BE WITH GIRLY HAIR!  
  
Nin: Ahhh...how refreshing! Nin-bashing is just so much more fulfilling than character-bashing! Everyone should try it sometime!  
  
Anonymous Reader: Um...  
  
Nin: Yes, Anonymous Reader?  
  
Anonymous Reader: You were just kidding about your split personality weren't you?  
  
Nin: Why, yes, I was. Actually, I think the name's taken, anyway.  
  
Anonymous Reader: Oh. phew  
  
"Over these few months...I've grown accustomed to Relena. HA! PSYCHE! I still hate her ugly guts and I'll hate yours too if you don't write another chapter soon." ~Mizyuki  
  
Nin: (shrieks) OH, MY GOD! Have the pod-people struck once again?! Or did my favorite Mizyuki-chan just suffer a relapse?! MIZYUKI-CHAN, NOOOOO~!!!!  
  
Anonymous Reader: ...I think maybe Mizyuki was just trying to inspire you to write faster. You've been in a TOTAL slump, Nin.  
  
Nin: (looks extremely unstable) Write faster? Write FASTER?! How in tarnation am I supposed to write at ALL?! I'm STRESSED! STRESSED, I tell you! I can't be funny when I'm STRESSED! I'm PRESSURED! I'm STRESSED! STRESSED AND PRESSURED! Somebody has shoved me into the Blender of Stress and Pressure and hit PUREE! AHAhahaHAhaHA!!!  
  
Anonymous Reader: ...Okay, I am officially freaked out, now.  
  
Nin: WOOOOAAAARRRG!!! BWAhahahaHA!!! ZORT!!!  
  
Anonymous Reader: LORD, HELP US ALL!!!  
  
(As if in answer to Anonymous Reader's prayers, a van full of the Men in White arrive at the scene and cart off the cackling Nin to a happy place.)  
  
Nin: (offscreen) Ooooo! I WANT THE PRETTY PINK JACKET!!! YAY!!!  
  
Anonymous Reader: Um...  
  
(A piece of paper falls to the floor)  
  
Paper: DUE TO THE ABSENCE OF THE DIRECTOR, ANONYMOUS READER SHALL FILL IN FOR AS LONG AS DEEMED NECESSARY.  
  
Anonymous Reader: Aw, MAN! This BLOWS!  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Anonymous Reader cautiously stepped into the theatre, noticing that all the lights were off and that all the characters were crowded around a dwindling campfire. All except Duo, actually, who was missing.  
  
Heero, Zechs, and Lady Une were unconscious, leaning against their respective boyfriend's/girlfriend's shoulders.  
  
Zechs and Heero seemed to have been in a fight. Whether they'd KO'd each other or their girlfriends had beaten them senseless was up for grabs. Noin and Relena looked a little PO'd, actually...  
  
Lady Une had a sizable bump on her forehead. Trieze was brushing her hair for some odd reason that Anonymous Reader could not explain. After all, EVERYONE knows that Une's hair NEVER gets knots.  
  
A loud, omnious growling noise to Anonymous Reader's left caused him to shriek, jump, and whirl around.  
  
Seeing a large shadow creeping toward him, Anonymous Reader shouted at the top of his lungs, then proceeded to hide behind the person closest to him. That person happened to be a very irate Dorothy, who shouted, "Stupid stranger man no hide behind Dorothy!!!" and flipped him over her shoulder, back toward the figure.  
  
Catching poor Anonymous Reader in its arms, the figure exclaimed, "Hey, who the hell are YOU?!"  
  
The figure dropped Mr. Reader and stepped closer to the fire. It was Duo.  
  
Anonymous Reader clutched his chest, breathing deeply. When he'd calmed down some, he shouted, "What were ya tryin' ta do?! Give me a friggin' heart attack?!"  
  
Duo blinked. "Yeah, that WAS the plan."  
  
Anonymous Reader grabbed Duo by the priest collar and started to strangle him.  
  
Trowa calmly stood and pulled the two apart. "That's enough," he said, bored, like he had done it many, many times before. "Duo needs to be healthy enough to act in this chapter." He sat down again.  
  
Duo's eyes lit up. "We're gonna do another now?! YAY!"  
  
Anonymous Reader stared at Duo in shock. "What the..."  
  
Catherine shook her head, sadly. "Duo is just one of those people that don't react to boredom very well. Why do you think he snuck up on you like that? He'd do pretty much anything at the moment..."  
  
"Which reminds me..." Duo said, slowly. "Where in the world is Nin? SHE was my target, not YOU...but it was still pretty funny, I gotta say..."  
  
Anonymous Reader frowned at Duo, then said, "I drove her nuts, is all."  
  
Duo looked skeptical. "HA! She was ALREADY nuts. Tell the TRUTH!"  
  
Rolling his eyes, Anonymous Reader replied, "Okay...okay...so I gave her a knock-out pill and took over."  
  
Duo patted him on the back. "There, the truth is so much more fulfilling, isn't it?"  
  
Anonymous Reader sweat-dropped. "Ah...sure..."  
  
"Who are you, anyway?" Duo asked. "I haven't seen you around here, and, believe me, if you'd've been somewhere in this theatre, I would've found you, because I had MONTHS to explore, ever since Nin abandoned us..." He started to cry, burying his face into Anonymous Reader's shoulder.  
  
Feeling incredibly akward, Anonymous Reader hesitantly started to pat Duo on the back, saying, "It's all right, Duo. Nin hasn't abandoned you."  
  
Duo suddenly kneed Anonymous Reader in the groin, shouting, "PSYCHE!"  
  
Anonymous Reader collapsed to the floor with a squeak.  
  
Duo laughed. "Mizyuki taught me that one!"  
  
If Mizyuki wasn't so preoccupied with lighting Dr. J's beard on fire, she would've smirked at Hilde with a superior air about her.  
  
Hilde frowned anyway.  
  
"Let's get on with this play, shall we?" said an irritated Sally Po.  
  
"WAIT!" a voice exclaimed from the doorway.  
  
All eyes (except for the unconscious and, uh, downed) focused on the open door. Two figures stepped toward them. When they reached the campfire, the G-people saw that they were a young boy and girl.  
  
"Who's in charge, here?" the boy demanded, his eyes dancing like a hellish fire.  
  
The G-people shrugged and pointed to the moaning Anonymous Reader.  
  
"That's funny..." the girl declared, "I thought Nin was female!"  
  
Everyone excluding the unconscious and downed burst into laughter.  
  
Quatre regained control of himself first. He stood up and said, "Actually, he's just a substitute. I suppose Nin wasn't available to direct this chapter. I hope it doesn't ruin your plans, Miss..."  
  
Squealing, the girl rushed forward and glomped Quatre. "You're so sweet, Quatre!" she exclaimed. "Even sweeter in real life! You're such a gentleman! My name is Katie. Katie Hasakawa."  
  
Quatre blushed. "Um...pleased to meet you, Katie."  
  
Dorothy narrowed her eyes, stood up, and pried Katie away from Quatre. They proceeded to get into an immense shouting match, with Dorothy's speech impediment and all.  
  
'Does this mean she likes me...?' Quatre wondered, then sighed in contentment.  
  
Mizyuki suddenly stopped chasing Dr. J around with her lighter (that old fart could haul ass when he wanted too) and looked around.  
  
"Hey!" she exclaimed. "Where did those three newbies come from and where the heck is Nin?! I'm going to KILL her! She forgot to pay the bills and the power company shut down everything! Thank GOD Duo had all those canned goods stored in his braid! If he didn't, we all would've STARVED!"  
  
The new boy grimaced. "You ate stuff that came out of THAT idiot's hair?!"  
  
Mizyuki turned toward the boy with a glare. "Who are you, and how DARE you call Duo an idiot?!"  
  
Duo and Hilde, who were about to defend himself/her boyfriend, closed their mouths with an audiable click.  
  
The boy smirked. "I am Taichi, and I dare to call Duo an idiot because he IS."  
  
Recovering from his momentary shock, Duo yelled, "HEY!"  
  
Both Taichi and Mizyuki ignored him.  
  
"What gives you the right to insult my crush?" Mizyuki demanded.  
  
"Well, you insulted Relena, so why can't I insult Duo?" Taichi replied.  
  
Relena smiled. Mizyuki had told her that she didn't have any fans, and since Nin had abandoned them, she had started to believe her. But, now she DID have a fan!  
  
Heero started to look a little distressed, like he was having a bad dream. Relena, too happy to remember that she was angry with him, held him close and kissed his nose. (Aww...)  
  
"Because...because...You can't insult Duo because Nin isn't here to punish you!" Mizyuki exclaimed. "It's just not FAIR!"  
  
Taichi shrugged.  
  
Trowa, looking EXTREMELY bored, separated Dorothy and Katie, then stood between Taichi and Mizyuki.  
  
"I think," he began, "we should end our petty arguments and get this next scene over with. I don't know about you guys, but I have a feeling that the readers aren't laughing."  
  
Wufei and Sally peered off into the distance, then exclaimed, in sync, "Yeah, you're right! One of 'em even fell asleep!"  
  
Both of them turned to glare at each other, and replied, still in sync:  
  
"What the hell?!"  
  
"Hey, stop saying what I'm saying!!!"  
  
"No, YOU stop!!!"  
  
"Shut UP!!!"  
  
"No, YOU shut up!!!"  
  
"MAKE ME!!!"  
  
"FINE!!!"  
  
They started making out, effectively shutting each other up.  
  
"Aww..." said Nin's disembodied voice.  
  
"BWAHHH!!!" everyone conscious and able screamed.  
  
"Nyeh heh heh heh..." the disembodied voice of Nin cackled before disappearing completely.  
  
"...That was freaky," Hilde said. Even Mizyuki had to agree there.  
  
"Hurry!" Noin exclaimed. "Let's finish this chapter before anything else weird happens!"  
  
Everyone (able) nodded and set to work. Taichi (who is hereby in charge of lights) used his demonic powers to reach into an alternate dimension and pulled out a whole bunch of lighting instruments. After finding enough batteries to last fifty years, he began to strategically place them around the room to illuminate the stage. Katie (the stage manager) expertly recreated several scenes from the Ranma 1/2 manga. Trowa poured cold water on Heero and Zechs to wake them up. Trieze lovingly tucked Une into a stage bed. Mizyuki grabbed all the costumes she'd made in her spare time and handed them out.  
  
Anonymous Reader groaned and held a piece of paper in the air:  
  
~~~  
Duo: Ranma Saotome  
Master O: Genma Saotome  
Noin: Nabiki Tendo  
Hilde: Akane Tendo  
Doktor S: The Little Old Lady Across The Street  
Professor G: Dr. Tofu's Little Helper  
Trieze: Dr. Tofu  
Heero: First Boy In Mob  
Trowa: Second Boy In Mob  
Quatre: Third Boy In Mob  
Wufei: Fourth Boy In Mob  
Catherine: First Spectator  
Relena: Second Spectator  
Sally: Third Spectator  
Zechs: Tatewaki Kuno  
  
NOTE: Zechs' proper stage name is Milliardo Kuno. However, since the real Tatewaki Kuno is widely known by his last name, Zechs will mostly be refered to as Zechs. (Just smile and nod, smile and nod...)  
~~~  
  
Duo and Master were seated in the Tendo's tea room, having a conversation. Duo was about to say something...when all the lights turned off.  
  
All eyes focused on Relena, who was illuminated in a heavenly glow.  
  
"Uh..." she said, not exactly having a speech ready for the occasion.  
  
Seeing that Relena wasn't the culprit, all eyes focused on the form of a boy laughing maniacally in the rafters.  
  
"TAICHI!" Mizyuki screamed, "HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE SPOTLIGHT AWAY FROM DUO AND GIVE IT TO _HER_?!"  
  
The pitter-patter of stomping feet upon a metallic stairwell could be heard, followed by an immense battle. Then there was silence.  
  
Trowa, sighing in TOTAL boredom, walked over to the lighting panel and turned all the lights back on.  
  
Mizyuki and Taichi were both unconscious. Mizyuki was burnt to a crisp and Taichi looked like he'd been mauled by a wild animal.  
  
"Let's try this again, shall we?" Trowa mumbled, annoyed.  
  
=============================================================================  
  
Duo and Master were seated in the Tendo's tea room, having a conversation.  
  
"School?" Duo asked, wearing his usual drawstring pants and a tanktop with his name inscribed on it.  
  
"Well, we ARE going to be staying a while," Master replied, wearing his usual gi.  
  
Walking by in a school uniform consisting of a white blouse and blue dress, Noin interrupted, holding her school bag over her shoulder. "It's the same school me and Hilde go to! We'll see you there!"  
  
She started to walk across the porch, but Hilde, dressed in a similar uniform, ran up to her, shouting, "Noin, wait! I'll go with you!"  
  
Turning back to look at her little sister, Noin asked, "What are you talking about? Duo is your FIANCE, remember? You should walk HIM to school!"  
  
Noin left, leaving Duo and Hilde to glare at each other.  
  
Master smirked at the 'couple' and handed his son a sleeveless shirt and backpack.  
  
In silence, Duo and Hilde started walking to school. Hilde used the sidewalk, but Duo prefered to walk across the canal's safety fence.  
  
"We're not going to get MARRIED, you know!" Hilde grumbled, boring of the uncompanionable silence.  
  
"You're tellin' ME?" Duo retorted.  
  
"So don't hang around me in school!" Hilde continued.  
  
"Don't WORRY!" Duo exclaimed. "I can't STAND macho chicks like you!"  
  
Hilde growled and was about to throw her school bag at him when Master (who had obviously been spying on them) beat her to the punch...literally.  
  
Recovering from the blow to his head, Duo shouted, "POP! What're you--"  
  
Interrupting, Genma shouted, "You're in no position to be choosy about women! Listen, Ranma--I'll tell you only ONCE--"  
  
Duo kicked his father into the canal.  
  
SPLASH  
  
Looking down at the soaked O-panda, Duo asked, smirking, "What's wrong, Pop? Weren't you going to SAY something?"  
  
Growling, O-panda lept at his son.  
  
"YEOW!!" Duo shouted, jumping off the fence. He didn't want to be a victim of the infamous 'bear hug' attack and spend his first day of school as a girl!  
  
O-panda followed up on his attack, swiping at Duo.  
  
Flipping away from the attack, Duo gracefully landed on the other side of the street, then, with a superior attitude, he shouted, "Ha! Check THIS out!"  
  
However, whatever Duo had been planning to do will never be known, for an old lady (who looked suspiciously like Doktor S...) accidently splashed him while she was washing the sidewalk.  
  
"Something wrong?" Hilde asked, eyes narrowed in boredom, as Duo-onna caught her pants before they fell down.  
  
".........." answered Duo-onna. She turned back toward the Tendo home and said, "Think I'll go take a bath."  
  
"You'll be LATE," Hilde argued, stopping Duo-onna in her tracks.  
  
Turning back to her 'fiancee', Duo-onna said, "Think I want to start school as a GIRL?"  
  
But if we just pour hot water on you, you'll turn BACK, right?" Hilde replied.  
  
Duo-onna hesitantly agreed, and so, Hilde led her to a doctor's clinic. Telling Duo-onna to wait outside, Hilde walked up to a nurse (who looked suspiciously like Professor G...) and asked for some hot water.  
  
"Hot water?" the nurse repeated. "Just a moment, Hilde, dear."  
  
"Thank you," Hilde replied, bowing.  
  
".........." Duo-onna commented, eavesdropping from behind a pillar. She sighed and thought, "Hoooo boy. What a way to start the--"  
  
A hand appeared on her shoulder. Duo-onna whirled around to face... A SKELETON?! With a 'GYAAA!' Duo-onna flew straight out of her shoes and up the pillar.  
  
From the higher vantage point, Duo-onna saw that the skeleton wasn't alive, after all. A man wearing a black gi and glasses was simply carrying it.  
  
"Oh. Pardon me," the man said. "Nothing to worry about, dear! This is just Epyon, my skeleton."  
  
".........." replied Duo-onna as she slid back down the pillar.  
  
Walking around the corner with a steaming kettle, Hilde said, "Duo, here's the hot..." She trailed off when she saw the man.  
  
"Well, Hilde!" the man greeted.  
  
"Oh! Doctor!" Hilde replied. She bowed, placing the kettle atop Duo-onna's head in the process. "Um...good morning!"  
  
The doctor bowed, making it so Epyon bowed along with him. "Good morning to YOU!" he exclaimed, cheerfully.  
  
'Hmmmm?' Duo-onna thought, peering at Hilde, who had a slight blush on her face.  
  
"You haven't been by lately. No new injuries?" the doctor asked.  
  
Staring at the ground, Hilde said, "No, sir. I mean...I haven't been doing anything that would..."  
  
Eavesdropping from behind the pillar (again), Duo-onna poured the hot water over her head and murmered, "Interesting."  
  
A few moments later, Duo and Hilde were on their way to school again.  
  
"Who was THAT guy?" Duo asked.  
  
"Dr. Trieze, the chiropractor," Hilde replied.  
  
"Martial arts master, too, isn't he?" Duo continued.  
  
"Huh? How could you TELL?" Hilde answered, amazed.  
  
'Sneaking up on me that way...' Duo pondered, '...he erased all sense of his presence.'  
  
Not taking Duo's silence as a bad thing, Hilde continued. "True, he's very good. But he doesn't LOOK like he'd be, does he? Ever since I was little...he's taken care of my injuries."  
  
Jumping down from the fence, Duo said, "So...isn't he a MAN?"  
  
"Yes. So?"  
  
"I thought you said you HATE men!" Duo answered.  
  
".........." Hilde replied, staring at the ground. With a growl she said, "That's right!"  
  
The school came into view.  
  
"I..."  
  
They drew ever closer. The gates were only a few meters away...  
  
"...DESPISE..."  
  
Suddenly, a mob of young men appeared, shouting, "Hilde Tendo's here!"  
  
"...MEN!" Hilde screamed.  
  
"Huh?" Duo wondered, staring at the mob.  
  
"HILDE!" Heero shouted. "Don't come any closer! They all want to BEAT you!"  
  
"Out of my way! I'm LATE!" Hilde shouted as she and Duo jumped out of reach of the first wave.  
  
"WAIT!" Trowa called out to the airborne girl.  
  
As Hilde started beating the living hell out of her attackers, Quatre exclaimed, "NO, Hilde! I'LL stop you!!"  
  
"I won't LET another guy beat you!" Wufei hollered. "I'll do it MYSELF!"  
  
From atop his perch on the school's outer wall, Duo said, ".........."  
  
On the second floor of the school, Noin and a group of her friends gathered at the windows.  
  
"Your poor sister," Catherine said, in pity. "Every single day..."  
  
Noticing Duo on the wall, Noin exclaimed, "Oh! Duo! DUO! Get in this school! NOW!"  
  
"But...but..." he answered, pointing to his 'fiancee'.  
  
"Don't worry about Hilde!" she shouted.  
  
Duo looked down at Hilde, who had successfully pummeled all the boys. Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei were a boneless heap. Katie and Dorothy rushed from the audience to help Quatre, but they just got into another argument. A bored, beaten Trowa grumbled as he pulled them apart, proceeding to collapse again.  
  
Sweating and breathing hard, Hilde exclaimed, "For Pete's sake! Every morning! What a DRAG!"  
  
"Truely. Such a boorish lot," a voice agreed. Duo and Hilde looked toward the orgin. Dark clouds began to gather, signaling the beginning of a storm, but none of them noticed.  
  
A young man dressed in samarai-like garb was holding a bokken and sniffing a rose. "Evidently, each of them intends to ask you out, Hilde...on the dawn that he finally DEFEATS you."  
  
Hilde sighed, unimpressed. "Oh, Upperclassman. Good morning."  
  
Tossing the rose into Hilde's hand, he readied his bokken and said, "And now...Hilde Tendo...might you fight with ME?"  
  
Duo jumped off the wall to land beside Hilde. "Man. You're POPULAR, aren't you?"  
  
"Stay out of the way," Hilde warned. "You'll get hurt."  
  
"What's going on?" asked Duo.  
  
"You'll see," replied Hilde.  
  
Suddenly, the kendoist pointed his bokken at Duo and shouted, "You, there!"  
  
Turning to the guy, Duo asked, "What?"  
  
"You are being quite familiar with Hilde!" he accused.  
  
Duo looked to Hilde and said, "Tell him, Hilde." When he saw that Hilde was blatenly ignoring him, he asked, "Hilde?"  
  
"Tell him WHAT?" Hilde growled.  
  
Enraged, the kendoist shouted, "Who ARE you, boor? Ah! But it is the custom to give one's OWN name first! Fine then! MINE I shall GIVE!"  
  
Confused by the kendoists one-sided conversation, Duo could only say, "Huh?!" then, "If you want..."  
  
Striking a pose, the upperclassman said, "My name...is Upperclassman Zechs. Junior. Group E. Captain of the kendo club. Undefeated new star of the high school fencing world. But my peers call me...the LIGHTNING COUNT of Furinkan High!" An obedient bolt of lightning struck the ground behind him.  
  
(Meanwhile, back on the second floor..."  
  
"'Lightning count'?" Relena wondered.  
  
"Have YOU heard that?" Sally asked Noin.  
  
"News to me," Noin replied.  
  
(And now, back to the show!)  
  
"Okay," Duo said, accepting the speech. "I'm, uh...I'm staying at the Tendo dojo..."  
  
"WHAT?!" Zechs exclaimed. "Under the same roof as HILDE?!" He swiped at Duo with his bokken.  
  
Flipping over the attack and removing his back-pack, Duo continued. "I'm heir to the Saotome school of Anything-Goes martial arts..."  
  
Duo threw his bag at Hilde, pausing his speech long enough to shout, "Here. Hold my bag a sec."  
  
Turning back to Zechs, he concluded, "I am Duo Saotome! And I accept your challenge!"  
  
=============================================================================  
  
"And...that is it for Part 3!" a recovered Anonymous Reader exclaimed in joy.  
  
Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei groaned from their positions on the stage.  
  
Relena and Sally rushed down a flight of stairs to Heero and Wufei. Agreeing to a temporary truce, both Katie and Dorothy helped Quatre to his feet.  
  
Trowa mumbled something about how HE didn't have any girlfriends to help him. Katie laughed at him, 'cause she never did like him that much. Finally, CAtherine rolled her eyes, then walked down the flight of stairs to give her brother a hand.  
  
Mizyuki and Taichi were still unconscious in the rafters. Actually, now that I think of it, someone could take some really funny pictures and make a lot of cash...(bwahahahahahaha...)  
  
"What a weird chapter," Relena stated. Everyone nodded.  
  
Katie laughed. "I find the relationships really entertaining. I mean, all the G-boys and Zechs have a thing for Hilde, and Hilde has a crush on Trieze! Not to mention Doktor S and Professor G dressing up as old ladies!"  
  
Everyone laughed at the flushing Doktor S and Professor G.  
  
"True, true!" Catherie agreed with Katie. "Nin must've been high or something when she assigned characters, huh?"  
  
Duo chuckled. "Nin might as well be on a permanent SUGAR high!"  
  
"Yeah!" Anonymous Reader cackled. "Maybe the psychotherapists'll take care of that!"  
  
Duo glowered at Anonymous Reader. "I told you not to lie!" he shouted.  
  
Anonymous Reader shrunk back and tried to look ashamed of himself.  
  
Suddenly, Une woke up and hugged Trieze, triggering a series of hugs among the Gundam crew. Relena hugged Heero. Taichi woke up and hugged Relena. Duo hugged Hilde. Mizyuki woke up and hugged Duo and glared at Hilde. Quatre hugged Dorothy. Katie hugged Quatre and glared at Dorothy. Sally hugged Wufei. Noin hugged Zechs. The scientists even had a group hug.  
  
Shrugging, Catherine gave Anonymous Reader a great big hug, making him blush 'cause he's so innocent'n'naive'n'all.  
  
Only Trowa was left out. He pouted.  
  
Noticing Trowa's frown, Catherine removed herself from Anonymous Reader and asked, "What's wrong, Trowa?"  
  
"I don't have a girlfriend to hug or be hugged by," Trowa mourned.  
  
Catherine gave him a sisterly hug. "I'll give you hugs, little brother!" she said.  
  
"But it's not the same!" Trowa wailed.  
  
Suddenly, there was a great poof of yellow smoke, and Middie Une appeared. She looked a little disorientated, but her eyes found Trowa's hairdoo immediately.  
  
"No Name...?" she whispered.  
  
"M-Middie...?" Trowa answered, awestruck.  
  
Middie slowly stepped up to Trowa and said, "No Name...do you remember when we were kids?"  
  
Trowa nodded.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Middie continued, "I couldn't say it back then, but I can say it now! I LOVE YOU, NO NAME!!!"  
  
Embracing Middie in his arms with a single tear in his eye, Trowa whispered. "I love...I love you, too, Middie..."  
  
Middie stood on her toes and kissed Trowa on the mouth passionately.  
  
The others were about to comment on the kawaii factor, but a demonic voice prevented them from uttering a single word.  
  
"Aww..." said Nin's disembodied voice.  
  
"BWAHHH!!!"  
  
~ End ~  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
1. Took me long enough, eh? (dodges barrage of blunt objects)  
  
2. I've decided to give offenders a chance to apologize for their heinous crimes. Catseye...Gundanium Dragon...MIZYUKI...apologize or be utterly humiliated!!! :p  
  
3. Taichi, Katie, PLEASE tell me if I'm doing you justice! Don't worry about your lack of involvement, though! This was just your intro! I'll make sure to dedicate an entire chapter to both of you! (Taichi will be first, though, since it was kinda unfair to knock him out for most of the fic. n_n) 


End file.
